I spent the last part of Samuel's night routine on the brink of tears. I have tried to avert them all day today, only to know that tomorrow the flood gates will probably release its weakening hold. Why such a test to my emotional being? Samuel starts pre-k this Wednesday!!
He will go to an all day, everyday pre-k class that will be much like a kindergarten class. Due to his October birthday, he misses the cut-off time for entering into Kindergarten this year. David and I have done much wrestling with what we should do about his schooling this year and decided that this was our best option for him. Samuel is a sweet, caring, and sensitive child. The way that he cares for his sisters is often more paternal than brotherly, other than the typical sibling fights. He gets excitement and enjoyment for the simplest of things. He loves art and music. Samuel is smart like his father, and his memory is almost frighteningly good.
Even with knowing all of his wonderful characteristics, I can't seem to swallow the fears and insecurities that all mother's must feel. Did I raise him in a way that he will succeed in school? Did I teach him to share? What about those horrible screaming fits that he still does?! Will he want to still say the blessing at lunch, and will others join him? Does he know how to get me if there were an emergency? I have not even taught him his home address!! Not because I did not think it was important, but the day to day seems to overtake the important life lessons that I need to be teaching at times. I find that it is easier to just discipline without the teaching moment whenever my 1, 3, and 4 year old are crying simultaneously.
As I have frantically begun to gather his school supply items, making sure he has the proper clothing, shoes, a good sleep schedule, and racking my brain with whether or not I should let him take his lunch to school the first day or learn how to walk through the lunch line...I hear God speak peace. A peace that He often so freely gives, and one that I so desperately need. As every parent faces the uncertainties of raising children, and questioning if we are teaching them about the things that matter in life, God so very lovingly walks beside us. It is easy to drown out God's voice with the fear and anxiety, but learning to hear His voice is a discipline and a joy. My goals for Samuel is to be the best at what God has called Him to be. I pray that he will say the blessing, that he will sit with the kid who has no friends. But life is a journey and every day is a new day to learn. He will probably spill his milk, and he will probably not count correctly just because he can. He is 4, almost 5. I want him to enjoy life, and not live life through my own fears and anxiety, but rather live through the freedom in Christ that I know he already believes.