Tuesday, August 23, 2011

This was a post from nearly a year back...I finally got the courage to post what I had written. This is honesty at its rawest form.

Here I am, sitting in an almost completely empty house.  David has taken Samuel and Emma to their great-grandparents' house, and Sophia is sleeping in a cradle beside me.  I have been itching to get back to blogging for several weeks, but it seems that daily house duties, children, and quite simply time have not been on my side.  I am not sure exactly what I even want to blog about.  I have had so many ideas, topics, rants, and etc. that I have hoped to get posted.  I think that I will start with the topic that seems to be most present in my life at this moment.  The neat part is that this seems to be a revelation not all my own.   It appears that God has been showing many people lately the importance of having a good attitude.  As a stay at home mom, this is such an important aspect of life, but how often I seem to let it fall through the cracks creating the exact opposite atmosphere that I want to create in my home.  I have found myself staring into the mirror, only to see a woman that I do not recognize.  I see baggy eyes with wrinkles beginning to form on the outside corners.  They carry a sadness and war-torn gaze of someone who has lost herself and in a desperate search to find her again, has given up.  Her face is no longer a glow that attracts people, but rather carries a weathering of exhaustion and hopelessness.  I think the saddest part of her features are the once upward drawn lips, now carry a frown so large that even when she does smile the edges seem to still curl down.  Her face is no longer lit up by the joys of life and serving God.  What has happened to this woman?  How did life bring her to this point?  Could her reflection ever be one of beauty again?  Then the kids scream, dinner needs to be prepared, the house needs cleaning (again...) so her reflection will have to wait for those answers another day.

Its amazing to realize how big of an affect our attitudes can have over our lives, and sometimes when we start that downward spiral it is hard to come back up.  Actually, only with God's help can we ever really make a complete turnaround and stay that way.  I read in another blog just the other day who was sharing about how a wise woman is to build her house.  She shared this verse from Proverbs:

Proverbs 14:1 "The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears it down."

How true this is!  As the woman of my house, it is my responsibility to make sure that things are in order as they should be.  I, with God's help, control the atmosphere and environment.  I am the one who allows things in or out.  If there is negativity in my home, it is my job to clean it out.  If you know my family, you may often hear me say that we speak decimals louder than most.  However, this is something that normally rattles my nerves, I like for it to be quiet (good luck to me, right?!).  I have realized though, this makes me do a lot more yelling then I would like.  I feel as though I am drill Sergent on a loud speaker, and I hate that!  A couple of weeks ago I realized that I was not enjoying my children.  I loved them, but as much as it hurts to say, I haven't been enjoying the everyday stuff.  I sometimes will daydream about what it will be like when they are older and we can take vacations sans tantrums.  I do not want to know how many hours I have wasted doing this instead of sitting on the floor and playing with Samuel's cars or brushing Emma's baby doll's hair.  I have shown my kids an attitude of lackadaisicalness and bitterness.  To put it simply, I am tired.  I am tired of cleaning after everyone.  I am tired of being alone with the kids all day.  I am tired of everyone counting on me. I am tired...and the list could go on...if I allowed it to.  But the truth is, this is the life and path that I chose.  I also believe that this is the path that God has set before me.  I know that it looks a lot different than what I thought it would be, but it is a good one.  I have allowed myself to get in the way of what is a good thing.  My own negativity has trickled out into my everyday life so much that it seems to be a waterfall now!  So how can I correct this?  I have decided that I am going to enjoy my life.  It is amazing the difference our lives can have when we allow ourselves to enjoy it!  Now don't get me wrong, I do not enjoy my kids tantrums, or backtalking.  However, I do enjoy those teachable moments that allows me to be a wise builder in my home so that one day they will be enabled to do the same.  I am, along with David, my kids' number one teacher.  I am the example that they see daily.  I must daily love God, worship Him through all things, love my husband, and love my children all with a joyful heart.  The Stealer wants to take this away and keep us from enjoying life to the fullest.  It is easy to allow that to happen when we are focused inward, but whenever we realize those little blue and brown eyes are watching us we begin to realize that this life is about something greater than ourselves.  So why not enjoy it?!   I believe that our attitude can make or break us.  It is what allows us to enjoy life.  It is what encourages the woman staring at herself in the mirror that sleepless nights, tantrums, cleaning up the same messes several times a day is only for a season.  Our children only stay little for a time, and it is our responsiblity to teach them how to control tempers and how to clean their own messes.  It is so much more rewarding when we can do that with a smile and a song in our heart, rather than being bitter and angry about it.


mom said...

Tough reading! As a mother I can remember having some of those feelings too. We have a big task but with God's help we make it! You are doing a wonderful job, even on days you don't think so. It does get better but enjoy these days too. I am so very proud of you!

Aunt Bebe said...

You have reached a basic truth about life a lot sooner than others. We all have to find a way to enjoy, and even love, our lives no matter the specific circumstances. I spent a lot of time waiting for everything to be perfect before I could be happy. Now I remind myself that I'm in charge of my own happiness.